Jack Off Journal
When Steve's girlfriend Zoey leaves for a month-long trip to Thailand, she gives him a journal as a gag gift. On her dare, he uses it to record his masturbatory habits while she's gone, but in truth ends up recording his insecurities and neuroses.OK, so here goes. My girlfriend Zoey took off for a month-long stint teaching and volunteering in Thailand and this was her parting gift. She told me this could be my "Jack Off Journal" for the time while she's there. We laughed about it but I kind of balked at the idea once the initial laughter was over. But then she said I was probably too guilt-ridden to ever do it, and I hate when people say I'm not going to do something for a stupid reason, so guess what? Here's my jack off journal! I think this could actually be cool, like a dream journal but way less running away from vampires and watching my dad eat socks angrily.
I decided to break this thing in before really tying one on tonight. I decided to go for a classic, really get this thing off on a good foot. So I found my old porn box and I broke out a fucking VHS. And they said I didn't need that VHS/DVD player anymore. Oh, look who's smart now? Yeah, cause did you just rub one out to Asia Carrera pretending to be a slutty photo developer? I bet not, but I sure did. Honestly, her hair looked a little weird and at first I thought that was going to be a snag but when things hit the fan my jizz hit the cumrag. Like the way with a good friend you can even not talk to them for years maybe and when you see them you are right up like the old times. Thanks, Asia, that was totally awesome.
Day 2
Good day today, got some grocery shopping done. New goal: perfect a meatloaf. Zoey's meatloaf is a thing to behold, it's like Hermes and Zeus were like, "Hey, what do you want to eat at least once a week?" and they totally came up with this and gave each other HUGE high fives. Finished cleaning the place, it is most acceptable now. Gonna have the guys over and we will play video games so hard that someone might cry.
As for the reason for this journal, I didn't really feel the urge to jack it today but then thought why not? Been a while since I got to jerk it without elaborate plans as to how to hide it, might as well enjoy the freedom while I can. Internet porn, nothing special, just a POV BJ. I guess my heart wasn't in it, it was just OK. Anyway, off to check on the meatloaf.
Day 5
That meat loaf was not a good thing for me. Oh Jesus my asshole is still tender. I guess I didn't cook it long enough or something. Maybe that's what I get for thinking a grocery store that has a cat with three legs just chillin in the back is a great place to buy meat on sale. So anyway I have been a sick bastard for the past few days. No jackin it for me, there is not a part of this house I would feel OK about sitting without pants. I can see it now, people totally coming over, talking about some long-ass New Yorker article then all the sudden I got to explain why my couch smells like a minor demon shat on it in the middle ages.
Zoey called a couple days ago, said there's some decent reception in the town but no real internet access. She sent a postcard. Haven't checked the mail in a bit seeing as though me and the bathroom been like Cheng and Eng in the old days.
I think today I'm finally better, I just had a BLT and it was great to have something other than white rice. Gonna be a while before I try meatloaf again. But the worst is
Day 7
Man, fuck that meatloaf. Fuck it straight to hell. Now on, I stick to things I understand and buy my meats only when they are NOT on manager's special. That was very stupid in retrospect. It is not a deal when you get beef half off, that is a disease ready to make you so unhappy you cuss when you wake up.
So anyhow, the way I could tell I was finally well is that I started thinking about my boners again. I was thinking about Zoey so I dug up those photos we took that one night. I almost forgot where I hid them on my hard drive but boy did they do the trick. It's not weird to jack it to your girlfriend is it? I mean I am not trying to claim I am George Clooney writing a song about a first kiss, this is no romance angle. I mean maybe she'd be flattered if I told her.
Day 8
Totally not flattered. Lesson learned. What the hell? If a girl told me she totally went home and fingered thinking of me, I'd be righteously proud. Especially if that was my girlfriend that I left alone for dang weeks on end! Not like she's got to worry about me totally going orgy styles with Village Voice hookers. Had to promise not to do it again. Didn't feel like doing it at all today, jerking it grumpy is no good as an idea.
Day 10
What the fuck? She's still pissed. I basically paid her a compliment and she has the fucking insane cojones to get grossed out by it? I AM SO SORRY I THINK MY GIRLFRIEND IS HOT. Fucking annoying, just let it go. Well, I did wack it today. I saw a link online where the guy was real mad, I guess. It didn't get too weird or awful but I have to admit I felt icky afterwards. Still doubt angry wacking is a great idea, but at least I'm more relaxed now.
Day 12
Not returning calls. Hope she's just busy with homework or something. Or her phone died. I dunno. Sucks. She can't still be upset right? That's crazy if she is. She's crazy if she's still mad.
Jerked it to "Aggressive Office Ladies." That was a good one, I saved the link.
Day 13
Office Ladies again. Got to the third scene this time. After I was done I saw part of the fourth scene and what the fuck is wrong with Japan? Jesus Christ. Link deleted.
Meeting up with Mark tomorrow. Can't believe he's getting married. Says he has a gift for me, maybe he wants me to be his best man.
Day 14
OK, his brother's the best man, but guess who gets his trash stash! Apparently Erin hates porno, so I get his whole collection! I was going through it and I had no idea Mark was an ass man. Always pegged him as a man of the tits. I dunno if it's my thing but I'll try it out. Maybe I could do a blog thing, like Amy Adams did about that tall cooking lady. A new porno a day. I've already got this journal, might as well!
Oh, yeah, tried out one of the videos: "Naughty Latin Maids (Daisy Marie)." Man, if the rest is that good I'll have to give Mark a better wedding present than I thought.
Day 15
A blog? Really? I thought writing a blog about me watching porno was a good idea? As if this fucking journal isn't enough of a ticking time bomb of embarrassment! I'm a fucking idiot. I spent a couple hours really honing the look of the site. I internally debated the name and everything. Shit, my mom could accidentally find this damn thing! I am the stupidest piece of shit that ever lived.
Well that's exaggeration. Truth is I don't know what's going on. Still haven't heard from Zoey. I guess I fucked up. Or she met some dude. I don't know. Whatever.
Day 17
I hate myself. I'm fucking pathetic. I was just listening to music and looking at stupid sites, not even doing porn. Then that Built to Spill song came on and I thought about that time we got real raw and I got horny and I jacked off. No video, no pictures, just my pathetic-assed memories of a girl that I haven't heard from in almost a week. I stopped leaving messages. I knew this would happen. "Oh it's one month." Whatever. She's always been out of my league. I bet some built vegan asshole is wooing her with how much he's traveled. I am sorry that I have a job and not a trust fund, Volunteero!
I hope that that tropical weather and fresh Thai food is awesome because it sure is great having grey slush and never seeing the sun here in New York. I'm not depressed at all.
Day 18
Tried jerking it. Too drunk. Who fucking cares. Man whatever who cares that is all I can say tomorrow going to Mark's bachelor party and I will get hell of lap dances at least that relationship is clear.
Day 19
MAN SHIT THE WHAT
People DO NO they don't really talk to people much when you ever talk to someone its just sutpiid fuck Imdrunkk I AM THE WORST ASSHOLE
Day 20
Jesus Christ. I can barely decipher what I wrote last night. If only my memories were that unclear. Apparently I got a lap dance and jizzed in my god damn pants right then and there. I freaked out because apparently I was afraid that was cheating. As if you can cheat on someone who dumped you by default.
The girl was actually kind of nice about it. I don't remember what happened next but apparently I started talking to her about Zoey, confirming my nomination for the All Star Loser team.
Day 21
Jerked off finally today. It helps to not be drunk pretty much every waking hour. Was watching one of Mark's videos but when I was about to come I started thinking about that stripper. I came really hard.
I dunno. Maybe I should go back and see her?
Day 22
Man I been drinking way too much. Any time I actually consider going to a strip club voluntarily I know I am not sober. I walked up to that joint and then I smelled that smell when the doors opened. Nasty beer, finance jock sweat, off-duty cabbies, and that special awful perfume that seems mandatory for strippers. So I went to this nasty little dive on the next block instead. I drank hell of beers and they were delicious. I met this old dude who started reciting T.S. Eliot. That is so much less depressing than some dude's daughter pretending to hump my leg while chewing gum and looking at herself in the mirror.
Bad phone service in the bar, apparently I missed a call from Zoey. Fuck. Is she dumping me? Oh, God, I hate this waiting.
Day 24
Finally got in touch. Apparently she was going through some jungle place? I don't know, once I got a semi-acceptable excuse I didn't really probe more I just wanted to talk to her. God damn it was good to talk to her. We L-worded back and forth, and it's retarded how much that changed how I felt. I am a walking, simpering vagina.
Day 25
I can now jerk off happily, no tears around. And Miss Isis Taylor has released a new internet video and she is portraying a diner waitress who really wants a big tip!
Oh, fuck, I just wrote that sentence without even realizing how it had a pornpun. What is wrong with me?
****
OK, it was totally worth it. That was a good one.
Day 26
Guess what I jerked it to today, Jack Off Diary? Was it some wide-eyed starlet going through the motions, me all watching while trying not to think of the string of decisions that got her to this place where she wears shoes like that for a job?
No, it was not.
Was it a Japanese lady who has lived in Japanese circumstances and who does things that were maybe brought on by kinks caused by the Atom bomb?
No, it was not.
IT WAS MY GIRLFRIEND TALKING DIRTY ON THE PHONE!!!! I totally had phone sex today! Oh man it was so dirty and awesome. She has apparently not have a lot of "private time" if you catch my drift, so unlike me she has had almost the full time to build up. Man, I can't wait. If she does half the things she talked about on the phone I might actually die from loss of too much jizz.
I honestly think I'm going to have to jerk off more in the ensuing time, just to be able to live up to what she wants. Man, I am such a good boyfriend. The lengths I'll go to for my Zoey!
Day 27
Twice today. First one was a good old nurse video. Hard to go wrong with porn nurse. (I am actually sure it is not hard to go wrong with porn nurse but I do not want to see that in my brain.) Second time had to really step it up with old Double BJ! While this might never work for dudes with human-style dongs, that is always an entertaining way to go in the magical world of foot-longers.
Day 28
Three-peat! College student with professor, some kind of cheesy pirate thing, and then college student with two professors. I have to say that third time was not exactly a step up. My arm is getting sore. This is straight up not very great I think. I feel like a German took a poop on my soul.
Day 29
Nothing today. I loaded one up and got immediately grossed out. Dude porn is awful. What the fuck? I completely overdosed. There is an awfulness that lives in the human person. Tonight I will keep myself entertained with more wholesome endeavors, such as whiskey and other whiskey.
Day 30
SHE'S BACK TOMORROW! SHE'S BACK TOMORROW! SHE'S BACK TOMORROW!
Day 31
She fell asleep as soon as we got to bed. Stupid jet lag.
Jacked off in the living room. To her! Bah, don't care if she thinks it's creepy!
______________
Dear Steve,
I found your journal. I can't believe you actually kept this. You are a total freak. Who jizzes from a lap dance? You are the biggest dork in the world.
And I love you very much.
Muah,
Zoey
